Today is mother’s day. All day, my feed has been consistently full of people thanking their mothers for that all they’ve done; it’s beautiful, seeing how family can inspire and generate such a wealth of love.
But, it’s also hard, because I’m not talking to my mother right now. In fact, she considers me an ‘estranged’ child. This has happened before, but it doesn’t make it any easier to go through it again this time around. Particularly when it’s the month before you have to turn your papers in for grad school. Particularly when the only other mother figure I’ve had passed away a year ago.
So, today has been rough. I wish I could have the type of relationship that I see on my FB feed right now, but I won’t. I never will. I’m not quite sure how to come to terms with that, even though it’s been years since I’ve had anything resembling a close relationship with my mother.
It’s always hard transiting back into the mode of “I’m not speaking to my mother.” I’ve had to juggle back and forth between speaking and not speaking the past couple of years, and it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting never knowing what I may or may not do that will eradicate any relationship we might have. It’s exhausting repeatedly trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together again, only to have them scrambled six months later.
But, even though it’s a space I’ve occupied before, I still don’t know how to be okay while occupying it.
So, if you find yourself in similar predicaments this mother’s day, know you’re not alone. We don’t all get lucky with our gene pools. If you’re feeling lonely and wishing you could have a functional relationship with your parents, know that you’ll be okay. And acknowledge to yourself that it’s okay for today to be difficult. It doesn’t make you catty or immature to say “Today is not easy for me; in fact, it’s rather hard.” And know that the best part of growing older is you realize that family doesn’t have to be defined by who you’re related to. It can consist entirely of the people you choose to have around you. I may not have a mother, but I’ve got some aunts, a grandma, and a handful of amazing friends. And two amazing cats.
At the end of the day, that’s all I need.