On Turning 25

I’m going to be 25 this year. I don’t quite know how to wrap my head around that. I don’t feel 25. Most days, I feel far older. I grew up quickly when I was a child, always surrounded by adults. I had friends my age, but I always felt a little separated from their worlds. Like I was a stranger looking in, unsure how to handle their disagreements over boys and musical artists. Once I started college, I was drawn to a lot of people who were at least two or three years older than me. Two of my closest friends are 30. I ‘get’ them far more than I get most people my age.

But, at the same time, I can’t believe I’m going to be 25. A quarter of a century old. And what have I done? I’ve moved away from my hometown, yes. I’m pursuing my doctorate, yes. I’ve made my fair share of good and bad decisions. I’ve changed. I’ve evolved.

But, I’m worried that I haven’t done enough. That I haven’t experienced enough. And it makes me feel inadequate. Things that I told myself I would try and obtain by the time I turned 25 haven’t happened. Not because I didn’t try, in some cases. But, still. So, here I am, wondering how I’m going to be 25 without having experienced some of the basic ‘adult’ milestones.

Is this what a quarter of a century crisis feels like?

I dunno. I just can’t help but think about how I thought my life would be, and how very far off the mark I am from that original plan. Not that I necessarily want any of the things I thought I wanted. I don’t want kids right now–I assumed I’d have two by 25). I don’t want to be married, though I wouldn’t mind being in a stable relationship. I’m happy where I am. I’m so thrilled to be getting my doctorate. I just…I thought some things would be different, and they’re not.

But, that’s life I guess.

I blame all my discontent on the fact that it’s fucking cold in Austin, and I’m sick. I think it’d be better if I could actually write (god how I miss writing) but everything feels so stuck. Jammed. Or, even worse, I feel like I’m just repeating myself. Reliving moments I shouldn’t relieve. Saying the same thing with slightly altered words.

I’m just going to drown myself in comics and hope this rut doesn’t last longer than this cold front.

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