In my last post, I discussed some of what I hoped to carry forth into 2015. I hesitated putting in my weight loss goals, because I’ve been focusing on fitness rather than weight loss for a while now. But, the fact of the matter is, I’m not happy. When I first started losing weight, I had a goal in mind, and I have yet to reach that goal.
I had to spend some time, though, reflecting on why I wanted to lose weight. For years, I believed that if I was skinnier, I’d be happier. People would like me more. I’d be treated kinder, with less hate and less judgement. Weight loss does achieve some of these things: people are far kinder to you when you’re a more ‘socially acceptable’ size. But, it didn’t automatically make me happy. In a lot of ways, it made me far more critical of my appearance. I’d lost so much, why couldn’t I lose more? What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I beautiful yet? It’s a horrible place to be in. Instead of sitting back and appreciating my accomplishment, instead of being proud of the strides I’d taken, I spent time tearing myself down. Convincing myself that my body would never be good enough.
So, I took a break. I focused on fitness for fitness’ sake and healing my mental triggers. It’s been hard. There’s so much in the media that continues to judge plus size bodies, to herald size zeros. It’s hard, sometimes, to accept that you’re never going to be that size zero. I’ve got a much healthier outlook, though, especially thanks to amazing women like Meghan Tonjes (who has been a body positivity saviour in so many ways). I realized that my body is my body. It’s the skin-home I’m going to have until I die. I shouldn’t punish it for being the way it is. I learned how to love everything about my body, flaws and all. Because I’m beautiful, even on the days when I don’t think I am.
It’s time for me, now, to remove myself from my break. To focus on losing the twenty-five (ish) pounds that I have left before I hit my goal weight. I’m in a much better place to do so–a place where I won’t demean my cheat days and hold myself to too high of a standard.
I got a gift card for Kohls for Christmas. I’m not going to use it until I’m a size smaller, because I’ll need new clothes. It’s my reward. My way of saying, “You’ll have something to use. So, get there.”
So, let’s get there.